Tell family early and keep it short, with an alternative if you want to offer one. No research supplies a script, so the example wording below is Change.Life’s own. The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article gives the question that starts the decision: “Who are the people you want to be around?”
Is it okay to skip a holiday gathering after a loss?
Many people weigh this decision, and the sources describe it as a personal one. In the American Psychiatric Association’s November 2025 Healthy Minds Poll of 2,203 U.S. adults, nearly one in three said they were worried about dealing with challenging family dynamics (32%).
The American Psychological Association’s article on grief during the holiday season asks questions such as “Who are the people you want to be around?” and “Can you handle an all-day celebration?” Sherry Cormier, PhD, describes “a cognitive dissonance between you feeling heartbroken and being around people.”
Neither source says a person must attend a gathering. The article treats the choice as one to plan for ahead of time, and the poll shows how many adults carry family worries into the season.
What can you say to family when you decline?
A short message is enough to start. The examples below are Change.Life’s own wording, offered as illustrations. They do not come from research.
“Thank you for the invitation. I won’t be at dinner this year, and I would love to see you the weekend after.” “This season is hard for me right now, so I am sitting this one out.” “I am not up for a full gathering this year. Can I call you on the day instead?”
Each example names the decision, adds thanks or an offer of contact, and stops there. A person can add a reason or leave it out. How much to share is a personal call, and none of the cited sources sets a standard for it.
When should you tell family you are skipping?
The cited sources do not say when to tell family. The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article advises readers to “let the host know you may only stay for a short while.” That line addresses a short visit rather than a skipped one.
The sources do show that holiday strain is widespread. The American Psychiatric Association poll found that 41% of U.S. adults expected more holiday stress than the year before, up from 28% in 2024 and 29% in 2023.
For a first holiday after a loss, Cormier says in the same article, “It’s the first time you’ve been doing Thanksgiving and your December holiday without your loved one in your life.” Relatives who know that context may understand a decline more readily, though no source tests that.
A message sent before the day gives a host time to plan around one fewer guest. That is common sense rather than a research finding, and it is the reason this page suggests sending it early.
What does this page not cover?
This page does not tell any reader whether to attend a gathering, and it does not replace care from a licensed clinician. It does not cover family situations that involve conflict, estrangement, or safety concerns, which call for different guidance. It also does not cover how to support a relative who is grieving or how to respond if a host pushes back.
The full guide, How Do You Get Through the Holidays After a Loss?, covers family expectations during the holidays in depth.
The statistics on this page describe groups of people, not any one reader. Each statistic is linked to its source, with the source’s date stated in the text.
Frequently asked questions
The sources cited here do not say an explanation is required. The example wording on this page gives a reason in a few words, or none. How much to share is a personal call, and a licensed clinician can help a person who finds those conversations hard.
That is one option. The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article asks who you want to be around, and it also asks whether you can handle an all-day celebration. The article does not rank the options, and the choice stays with the person.
The sources cited here do not test that. The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article says that how a person anticipates an event they believe may be stressful “almost always is worse than how it actually turns out.” Reactions vary, and a single page cannot predict yours.