Start with what you want from each day. The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article asks which traditions you would rather skip, where you want to celebrate, and who you want around. Losing a parent is common in adulthood: the association’s Monitor on Psychology reports that 44% of Americans have lost at least one parent by age 49.
Why does the first holiday season after losing a parent feel so hard?
Holiday routines make an absence visible. Sherry Cormier, PhD, says in the American Psychological Association’s article on grief during the holiday season, “It’s the first time you’ve been doing Thanksgiving and your December holiday without your loved one in your life.” She adds that the season “amplifies that everything is different than it used to be.”
Parents also hold roles that a holiday can bring forward. The association’s Monitor on Psychology, citing Debra Umberson, PhD, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Death of a Parent, describes parents as confidants, advisers about one’s own children, and caregivers during illness.
The Monitor article does not address holidays, so the link between those roles and a holiday table is an inference, not a finding.
How common is it to lose a parent in adulthood?
The Monitor article reports, citing U.S. Census Bureau data, that fewer than half of Americans (44%) have lost at least one parent by age 49, and nearly 76% have by age 59. Yijung Kim, PhD, a research scientist at MedStar Health Research Institute, says parental loss at this age “is normative; it’s common.” She adds, “We tend in research to focus on nonnormative events.”
Frequency describes how many people go through a loss and says little about how any one person feels. The Monitor’s figures come from Census Bureau data, and the article does not link the underlying table. The article treats the experience as both ordinary in the population and significant for the individual. Bert Hayslip Jr., PhD, of the University of North Texas, says a parent’s death “causes you to redefine who you are.”
What changes at the holiday table when a parent is gone?
The Monitor article describes changes in responsibility. Kenneth Doka, PhD, of the Hospice Foundation of America, calls a parent’s death “a developmental push,” meaning adults may have to take on responsibilities they once relied on their parents for, such as financial guidance.
The holiday grief article adds a point about conversation. Therese Rando, PhD, author of How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, says, “Hopefully the grieving person will be given permission to talk about Mom during the holidays.”
Doka also says the heightened awareness of mortality can renew a focus on life goals. Hosting and cooking duties are one place such changes might surface. Neither article ties these changes to holiday hosting, so that connection is an example, not a research result.
What does this page not cover?
This page does not diagnose grief or replace care from a licensed clinician. It covers the loss of a parent in adulthood. It does not cover losing a parent in childhood, estranged or difficult relationships, caregiving after a parent’s death, or the practical tasks that follow a death. The Monitor reports a bereavement counselor at UPMC’s Family Hospice Program describing guilt, shame, or remorse among estranged adult children, and this page does not go further into that.
The full guide, How Do You Get Through the Holidays After a Loss?, covers traditions and family expectations in depth.
The statistics on this page describe groups of people, not any one reader. Each statistic is linked to its source, with the source’s date stated in the text.
Frequently asked questions
It can. Debra Umberson, PhD, calls the second parent’s death “so much more symbolic” in the American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology, and says it can be “really jolting for a lot of people.” Reactions differ, and a single page cannot predict yours.
The American Psychological Association’s holiday grief article quotes Therese Rando, PhD, saying, “Hopefully the grieving person will be given permission to talk about Mom during the holidays.” The article also suggests continuing a tradition that children shared with the person who died.
The Monitor on Psychology describes a study by Hayslip and colleagues that compared 247 adults ages 18 to 35 with 155 adults ages 50 to 65. The younger adults reported more emotional distress after a parent’s death, which the authors attribute likely to the off-time nature of the loss.